So Time Exists, Which Is Terrifying

Oya everyone! How was your Christmas? Mine was pretty great. Got to hang out with family and talk to my friends about dumb things that make us happy.

I was also given much chocolate.

My stash is stocked to overflowing.

Anyhow, this is actually going to be the last post I make in 2020. A lot of people are talking about the end of the year, and how we ‘made it through’ and all that. Which makes sense. I mean this last year has been . . . wild. The whole covid thing, yeah, but does anybody remember that in January we were close to actually having another world war? Or the murder hornets that never really happened? Or the deracho that flattened every cornfield in like three states?

Madness, I tell you.

But despite . . . all’at, and despite all the things I loved getting cancelled and everything I was excited about pretty much getting ruined, I actually had a decent year.

I started this blog, for one thing. I never thought I would be consistent enough to keep something like this going but here we are, with only three weeks until the first anniversary of beginning it. I started crocheting and sewing and making dolls again, something that I totally forgot about but that makes me really happy (and I am now completely obsessed with it, thank you hyperfixation). I got into MCYT again and have found people I look up to, and have even started my own Youtube channel, something I’ve wanted to do for years but never really had the courage or resources to do before. I started another book in a genre I swore I’d never try. I joined a Discord server with people I’ve known for four years but was never really close with, and now we’re the classic Found Family Trope and my life would be way worse without them.

(Although it would likely be much more free of cursed memes and 3am conversations about deep spiritual things and socks simultaneously)

I spent my last year as a student at CYIA camp and despite everything being weird it was definitely a good one. I danced for hours outside, barefoot, dressed like a hobbit in a dress I made myself, laughing hysterically as I swung between partners and crashed into people laughing just as hard as I was. I got my first car in June and spent countless hours driving with my sister as she scrolled through radio stations and scream-sang Minecraft parodies when there was nothing good on. I played the guitar almost every day, though my fingers bled and the only reason my thumb formed a callous is because of blisters layering over each other.

I worked up the courage to talk to artists I admired. I got two weekly jobs and found myself with more money than I’ve ever had before. I learned about my ADHD and found strategies to function with it just as it was getting too hard to deal with on my own. I joined the worship team at my church. I tried digital art and wasn’t too ashamed of the results. I braved hordes of my worst enemies (Japanese beetles) to harvest raspberries and make jam all by myself. I helped raise seven puppies. I speedran the Trollhunters series and very nearly cried. I read my first fanfiction (And The Universe Shifts, if you’re curious). I participated in Promptober and was nearly consistent with it.

Not everything was good, of course, but then it never is.

My great grandpa died.

I lost one of my best friends.

There were days, weeks even, when I couldn’t find any real reason to keep going. When everything I tried to do felt pointless and there was nothing to look forward to. When all I wanted to do was sleep, because at least in my dreams I could try to save the world and it didn’t matter if I got hurt. When I didn’t want to think because the past hurt, the future was paralyzing, and the present was pointless.

I still don’t like thinking very much.

But now here it is December. The world’s still grasping at the Christmas high so it doesn’t have to face the rest of winter, as it always does. But I’m looking forward to the new year. Not because it’s The End Of 2020 Thank Goodness Everything Will Be Okay Now, because I’m pretty sure things are gonna get much worse from here. But I’m looking forward to 2021 because, well, I’ve still got books to write. I’ve got Youtube videos to make. I’ve got people to make friends with. I’ve got songs to learn. I’m gonna be CYIA staff. Babies are gonna be born. We’re gonna get miniature fluffy cows. DoctorSiren is going to finish the Snapshot AU. I haven’t read all the books at the library yet. God’s still in control, always has been.

There’s a lot to look forward to.

and I REFUSE to leave this post on a serious note so here’s some pictures of my favorite Christmas presents.

I also got a weighted blanket which is FANTASTIC.

And yeah. I’ll see you next week, which will also be next year, which will be January, which will be fun. Leave a like if you, I don’t know, if you like chocolate or if you like me, and subscribe if you want because that’s pretty cool and when the number goes up it makes Ashley brain go brrrrr and have happy chemicals.

BYE!!!

~Ace