Yesterday I had a couple friends over to hang out all day. We had a lovely time scheming and enjoying shenanigans and overall causing a ruckus, as it were. The majority of our time however was spent watching The Fellowship of the Ring, because my friend Jacob has somehow never seen it.
It was highly entertaining.
I have asked him to compile some of his thoughts on the characters and plot, bearing in mind that he has an amusingly short attention span and did go off rambling about Hollow Knight no less than four times. Without further ado . . .
The Fellowship of the Ring, according to Jacob
Here we go
Bilbo Baggins: Bilbo Bag guy, what a dude, uses the magic ring for immortality? And then uses it for a party trick on his birthday before leaving to go freaking die? My kinda dude, I gotta remember that one for future reference.
Gandalf: Gandalf, typical wizard. Bonks his head cause he’s too tall? I relate to him already. Rides around from place to place with explosives constantly in tow? Sounds like the life of the party, ’till he says the funny line and falls into the deep cavernous abyss with the fire monster thing
Frodo: Main character guy, frozone, he’s great. But like, gets homesick after being away from home for like, three days. There’s no way the urge to leave he had ten minutes ago movie-time went away that quickly. Calm down, dude.
Sam: Sam, the best boy, casually tries to drown himself in order to force his friend to take him with on the adventure, what a guy. If anything happens to him in the next two movies I’m gonna throw an apple at the nearest wall.
Merry and Pippin: The BOYS! I love them, but can’t remember their names. They are my favorite and spend the whole movie eating food and/or being idiots. They radiate “out with the boys” energy, and I would know, as I have participated in many “out with the boys” adventures that often include way too much RC Cola and people getting hit in the face with various thrown objects.
Aragorn: The sword guy that ended up being king of something or other. I like him, didn’t pay enough attention to know anything substantial about him. But he did kill the mud monster thing, so good on him.
Boromir: The meme guy. He did the line with the meme and it was great. Then, he got shot three times and kept fighting, what a MAN. I offer him my respect, but nothing else
Arwen: The woman. I’m gonna be honest, I remember almost nothing about her. All I remember is she did the thing with the water and the water was horses and then I got distracted thinking about Frozen 2.
The Nazgul: The shadow demons. Oh boy the shadow demons. Their weakness is fire . . . and water . . . and getting their clothes taken off . . . and why are they scary again?
Elrond: Big forehead elf guy . . . He didn’t really do anything other than exposit information, be angry, and yell at the boys for doing the boys-esque shenanigans. His forehead goes beyond even fivehead, it’s ridiculous. Needless to say, I don’t like him. Did I mention his massive forehead?
Legolas: The elf guy that everyone thinks is hot . . . Yep, he’s a guy, don’t remember him being useful at any point in the story. I’m pretty sure he could’ve just not been in the movie and I wouldn’t have noticed a difference
Galadriel: The telepathic elf queen lady . . . Yep, she sure is.
Gimli: The dwarf guy. He’s a dwarf. And a guy. And has a big axe. Need I say more?
Saruman: Also, forgot to talk about count dooku, but he’s count dooku, and that’s all I feel needs to be said about it.
On the Subject of Plot: Uhhhh. Two things. One . . . The bird, they could’ve used it to get to the murder door place. I don’t care what anyone else says, they could have and should have used the giant bird and the only reason they didn’t is because if they did then the movie wouldn’t have happened. Two: the wizard duel. Probably one of the most anticlimactic ways to do a wizard duel I’ve seen, but also it was highly entertaining to watch, so I can’t complain too much.
Other Notable Quotes:
Jacob: “A moth? Kill the moth.“
Me: “No, no, the moth is friends with the bird.”
-four minutes later-
Jacob: “YO A BIG BIRD!”
Gandalf: “You fool of a Took!”
Jacob: “And new obscure insult acquired.”
Jacob: “What do you MEAN Gandalf doesn’t shoot fireworks at enemies!? Complete waste of potential, that would be the coolest thing ever.”
Jacob: “Yo that’s the Eye!”
Me: “Yes, that’s Sauron, the big bad guy–“
Jacob: “I KNOW THAT FROM THE LEGO BATMAN MOVIE! HE SHOOTS LASERS!”
Me: ” . . . . no. No lasers.”
Jacob (upon seeing the Balrog): “Ohoho BIG LAD!”
Me: “So in the book, there’s this whole heartwarming bit where Merry and Pippin say they’ll follow Frodo to the ends of the earth to help him with his quest even though they’re in way over their heads and are actual children but they love their cousin so much that they’re in. And here they just crash into them in a cornfield and decide to tag along.”
Jacob: “Well yes but this version is objectively funnier. Yo they found mushrooms?!”
(during the ‘I will take the Ring to Mordor! scene)
Jacob: “It’s like show and tell! Why don’t we do show and tell anymore? That was epic. They should have that in highschool. Why is forehead man here.”
Pippin: “But what about second breakfast?”
Jacob: “ME. This one is my favorite. I am the Hobbit now.”
Jacob: “So if they’re called halflings, what’s the other half?”
Me: ” . . . what?”
Jacob: “Like half human half what?”
Me: “No like. They’re half the size of a human. Not half human.”
Jacob: “I refuse to believe that.”
Jacob: “He’s gonna do it! He’s gonna say the thing!”
Gandalf: “You SHALL NOT PASS!”
Jacob: “YEAHHHHHHHHH LETS GO DUMBLEDORE!”
Jacob: “So when does Count Dooku pull out the red lightsaber?”
Me: “He just has a stick.”
Jacob: “That’s what he wants you to think.”
Jacob: “Oh that is a whole dead guy actually. It’s . . . it’s just bones.”
Jacob: “He is a man born from mud. Goop. Goop man.”
Me: “Goop man.”
Jacob: “And now he takes off the ring, right? Right?”
Me: “No he just continues making bad decisions.”
Jacob: “This is why we need Sam in these situations.”
Jacob: “Oh man he got stabbed by a troll. Oof. Wait! Wait he has that netherite armor!”
Frodo: (reveals Mithril shirt)
Jacob: “YEAH FULL NETHERITE LETS GO!”
Jacob (after the fellowship is broken and the Three Hunters go to rescue Merry and Pippin): “Me and the boys at two AM looking for the children.”
Final Thoughts: I think that’s officially everything. Did I do good, and if so, can I have a cookie?
Thank you to Jacob for participating in this post, and thank YOU for reading it! Love you to death, I really do. Subscribe to the blog if you haven’t already, it’s real easy and all it does is send you a nice little email every time I post and also make me really happy. Likes also do that, and that’s even easier! See you next week!